george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
