Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
