Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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