Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
