Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
