I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my shit smells like andre
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
