You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
