Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize