im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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