I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
