Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
