im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
