I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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