pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
