My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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