I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I see more hoeing in ur future
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