i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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