I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
