cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
