Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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