rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
