what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
