i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
