walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
