My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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