Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
