Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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