Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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