...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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