Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
