I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
