that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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