that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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