I wish my penis had an off switch
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
