i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
