what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
