my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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