I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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