Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
