You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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