I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
