I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
