Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
