I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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