Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
