hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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