I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
