Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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