i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize