3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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