FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
