I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I AM VODKA MAN
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize