I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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