I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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