He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
