if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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