I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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